Your Dodder Vine

Some things do not simply grow beside you. They survive by depleting you.

Some people suck the life out of you.

Not all at once. Sometimes so slowly that you don't realize how much has been taken until you barely recognize what is left.

That is what the dodder vine does.

At first, it may not look particularly threatening. It is thin. Almost delicate. It begins by searching for something nearby that it can wrap itself around.

But the dodder vine is a parasite.

Once it finds a host, it attaches itself and begins drawing the water and nutrients it needs to survive. Eventually, its connection to the host can become so established that its original root dies away. It survives by taking what it needs from something else.

It grows by taking life from something else.

For a woman experiencing abuse, there can be something unsettlingly familiar about that. Abuse does not always begin with something that looks dangerous. It can begin with attachment. Then slowly, the relationship begins requiring more and more of you.

Your time. Your attention. Your emotional energy. Your money. Your relationships. Your choices. Your confidence. Your voice. Your freedom.

You begin adjusting yourself around another person's moods, expectations, anger, jealousy, demands, or need for control. You spend enormous amounts of energy trying to keep the peace, prevent the next outburst, explain yourself, prove your loyalty, or anticipate what might cause a problem.

Little by little, your life can begin organizing itself around someone else. That is one reason abuse can be so difficult to recognize from inside it.

The depletion may happen gradually.

One boundary moves.

Then another.

One friendship disappears.

One dream gets postponed.

One financial decision is taken out of your hands.

One opinion becomes easier not to express.

One thing you once enjoyed no longer feels worth the argument.

Eventually, you may look around and realize how much of your life has been surrendered simply to keep the relationship functioning.

Meanwhile, the other person may appear to be thriving.

That can be one of the cruelest realities of abuse. The abusive person may benefit from your labor, your income, your caregiving, your emotional support, your reputation, your silence, your sacrifices, or your ability to keep the family functioning.

The more you compensate, the less they may have to.

The more you shrink, the more space they occupy.

The more you carry, the lighter their load becomes.

And while everyone else may see what the relationship has produced, they may not see what it has consumed.

That is where the dodder vine becomes such a powerful image. The host plant is not weak because something has attached itself to it.

It is being depleted.

There is a difference.

A woman who is exhausted, anxious, financially strained, isolated, uncertain of herself, or struggling to make decisions after prolonged abuse may begin believing something is wrong with her.

Why am I not stronger?

Why can't I think clearly?

Why am I always exhausted?

What happened to the woman I used to be?

Perhaps another question deserves to be asked:

What has been drawing from me for all these years?

Abuse can consume enormous amounts of a person's internal resources. Living with coercive control, intimidation, criticism, financial abuse, threats, monitoring, isolation, manipulation, or unpredictable anger can require constant adaptation.

What sometimes looks like weakness from the outside may actually be the exhaustion of someone who has been surviving for a very long time.

And being needed is not the same as being loved.

Healthy relationships can involve sacrifice. There may be seasons when one person carries more than the other. But healthy love does not require one person to be continually depleted so the other can thrive.

Healthy love leaves room for two people to exist.

Your needs matter.

Your friendships matter.

Your finances matter.

Your opinions matter.

Your dreams matter.

Your body matters.

Your boundaries matter.

Your safety matters.

Your life matters.

You should not have to become smaller so someone else can feel bigger.

Sometimes healing begins by recognizing what has attached itself to your life and what it has been taking from you. That realization can be painful.

You may begin noticing how much you gave up. How many years you spent surviving. How many things you stopped doing. How many relationships became distant. How often you silenced yourself. How much energy went into managing another person's behavior.

But awareness is not the end of the story. Because depletion does not mean there is nothing left.

A woman can spend years pouring herself into someone else and still rediscover dreams she buried, talents she stopped using, relationships she lost touch with, confidence that became quiet, and parts of herself she thought had disappeared.

They may not be gone.

They may simply have been starved of what they needed to grow.

With safety, support, time, care, and the right resources, life can begin returning to places that seemed dead.

Reflection Questions

• Are there places in your life where you have gradually become smaller so someone else could remain comfortable or in control?

• What have you given up, reduced, hidden, or neglected to keep the peace?

• Instead of asking, What is wrong with me?, what happens when you ask, What has been draining me?

• What part of you might begin growing again if it finally had room, safety, and nourishment?

A Simple Practice

• Take a piece of paper and write: What has this been taking from me?

Don't try to solve everything. Simply notice. Maybe the answer is peace. Confidence. Money. Friendships. Sleep. Opportunities. Your voice. Your sense of safety. Your dreams. Your ability to trust yourself.

• Then write: What do I need to begin restoring?

If what you are experiencing includes fear, intimidation, coercive control, threats, isolation, financial control, monitoring, physical violence, or other forms of abuse, consider reaching out for support. You do not have to confront the person or make a major decision before asking for help. A domestic violence advocate, qualified counselor, trusted support person, or other appropriate professional can help you understand what is happening and consider your options safely.

You were never meant to spend your entire life being the source from which someone else continually draws. You deserve relationships where care moves in both directions. You deserve room to grow. And you deserve the opportunity to discover how much life is still in you.